JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
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[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
True.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are