my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.