my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
so, is there a mister shapen head
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.