Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.