I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I hope Alan is OK
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him