Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
😩😩😩
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
*feels the wind in my toe hair
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win