If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]