8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
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before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I have two kinds of followers
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian