[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
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Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂