What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)