You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
groan^2
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.