Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.