Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
You Might Also Like
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.