Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My teenage children choosing violence
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?