Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
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Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!