[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered