*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.