What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
i hope my email finds you on fire
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
do u think theres a butter planet?
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic