How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Godspeed, John Glenn
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
This can never not be funny 😭😭