Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Ironic
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.