Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
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[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
2023 was just a warmup
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️