Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
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I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.