If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
You Might Also Like
an octopus is just a wet spider
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
my first day as a raccoon
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Smells like a challenge to me
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
When your man makes a valid point
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious