how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
yes yes a thousand times yes!
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.