It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
You Might Also Like
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
*me flirting
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“We will wed,” I threatened
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam