me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”