despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
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Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
This hospital has everything
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh