Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
You Might Also Like
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.