Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn