Thou shalt not commit adulthood
You Might Also Like
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Oh thanks BBC.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait