My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.