[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
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Taliband
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
me doing my best
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME