I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
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Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
…u ok Nintendo?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.