No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
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My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.