Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
The game has officially changed 😎
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.