Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?