The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
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True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
They’re on their honeymoon
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
They also CAN sing✌️
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing