Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.