How it started How it’s going
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
The struggle is real
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.