Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I love twitter
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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