[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.