Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Worth the read.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.