“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
You Might Also Like
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust