What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
You Might Also Like
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.