Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
😆this is so true
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
thanks auntie mary
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: