Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
S/o to @funTweeters .