*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
we’re gonna need another temp
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Yup!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before