If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
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At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.