I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
God has abandoned us.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.