EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
🙁
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I identify as an antique shop.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.